BATON ROUGE—Lolcow News affiliates arrive in Louisiana, a state with more than twice the national average population of blacks. A man with an assault rifle (likely an AR-15) has been reported free-firing at police. Officials confirm three have been shot dead, and several more are critically wounded.
As events unfold, our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter being white. Reporters are attempting to verify the ethnicity of the white gunman, but so far all eye-witnesses are racist. Editors are carefully selecting statements that avoid clearly detailing the motivation and race of the shooter when writing this article.
Obama is set to give a speech about gun control in the hours following the wake of this political fiasco for Democrats. The Clinton Campaign could not be reached for comment as Hillary Clinton is not to be woken from her mid-day nap under any circumstance.
Updates will be brought to you in real-time to play up fear and racial tensions while downplaying the involvement of Black Lives Matter.